The Person Who Gets Under Your Skin

Every workplace has one. Every family has one. Most neighborhoods have one. The person who irritates you just by walking into the room. Maybe it’s the way they talk, the way they take credit, the way they seem to glide through life without any self-awareness. Whatever it is, something about them gets under your skin — and you have to deal with them anyway.

This is one of the more honest tests of a man’s character. It’s easy to be patient and kind with people you enjoy. The real measure comes when you’re sitting across from someone you genuinely do not like, and you still have to show up, do good work, and treat them with basic decency. That’s harder than it sounds. But it’s a skill you can build — and it matters more than most people realize.

Separate the Person From the Problem

The first thing to understand is that your feelings about someone and your ability to work with them are separate things. They don’t have to be linked. You do not need to like someone to cooperate with them. You do not need to respect their personality to respect their role. These are choices, and making them deliberately puts you in control of the situation instead of the other way around.

Epictetus, the Stoic philosopher who was born a slave and earned his freedom through philosophy and sheer discipline, had a useful way of thinking about this. He drew a clear line between what is up to us and what is not. Someone else’s personality, habits, or attitude? Not up to you. Your response to them? Entirely up to you. When you internalize that distinction, other people lose a little of their power to knock you off course.

In practice, this means keeping your focus on the task, not on the person. What are you actually trying to accomplish together? What does success look like here? When you’re anchored to a clear goal, you spend less mental energy on your feelings about someone and more on what actually needs to get done. The irritation doesn’t disappear, but it gets smaller.

Look for What’s Actually True About Them

Most people we dislike, we dislike for a reason. But our reasons are almost never the whole picture. The coworker who seems arrogant might be carrying serious anxiety. The neighbor who doesn’t seem to care might be overwhelmed in ways you can’t see. The relative who drives you crazy at every gathering might have grown up in circumstances that would have shaped you the same way.

This is not about excusing bad behavior or pretending someone isn’t difficult. It’s about accuracy. Marcus Aurelius, who governed the Roman Empire and still somehow found time to write honestly about his own failures, reminded himself regularly to look for the good in people — not out of sentimentality, but because he understood that a distorted view of someone makes you less effective in dealing with them.

Try this: think of one thing the difficult person in your life is genuinely good at. Not something you’re making up to be nice — something real. Maybe they’re reliable in a crisis. Maybe they’re protective of the people they love. Maybe they work harder than anyone gives them credit for. Finding that one true thing doesn’t obligate you to like them. But it does give you something honest to stand on when you have to work with them.

Control What You Put Out

Here’s something worth taking seriously: how you treat someone affects who you become. If you’re cold, dismissive, or passive-aggressive toward a difficult person, you practice being those things. You reinforce that pattern in yourself. Over time, the habit takes root — and it shows up in places you didn’t intend.

The inverse is also true. When you choose to be straightforward, fair, and professional with someone you don’t particularly like, you’re building a kind of inner discipline. You’re proving to yourself that your behavior isn’t just a reaction to how you feel. That’s worth something. Not because it will win you a prize, but because the kind of man who can govern his own conduct under pressure is a more capable and trustworthy person in every part of his life.

This doesn’t mean being a pushover or faking warmth you don’t feel. It means being honest and civil. It means saying what you mean, keeping your commitments, and not talking about the person behind their back in ways you wouldn’t say to their face. Basic decency. It costs you less than you think and pays more than you expect.

Set Limits Without Making It a War

Some people are genuinely harmful — not just irritating. If someone is dishonest, disrespectful, or toxic in ways that affect your work or your life, you have every right to protect yourself. That might mean limiting how much time you spend with them. It might mean having a direct, calm conversation about a specific behavior. It might mean involving someone else if the situation calls for it.

The key is to be specific and focused. Don’t attack the person’s character. Address the behavior that’s causing a real problem. “When you interrupt me in meetings, it makes it hard for the team to follow the conversation” is something you can actually work with. “You’re rude and self-centered” is just a fight. One of these moves things forward. The other just burns energy and makes you look reactive.

There are also situations where the right answer is simply to reduce contact and keep things businesslike. Not every relationship needs to be repaired. Some just need to be managed. Knowing the difference is wisdom, not weakness.

What You Get Out of It

Working well with people you don’t like is genuinely difficult. Nobody’s pretending otherwise. But if you can do it — if you can stay grounded, stay fair, and stay focused on what actually matters — you become the kind of person other people want on their team and in their corner. You also discover something about yourself: that you’re more capable of self-discipline than you thought.

The person who irritates you may never change. They may never notice the effort you’re making. That’s not the point. The point is that you showed up as the person you want to be, even when it was inconvenient. That’s a thing worth doing.

One Thing to Carry With You

The next time you have to deal with someone who gets under your skin, ask yourself one question before you walk into the room: What does the best version of me do here? Not the version that’s annoyed or defensive — the version that’s steady, clear-headed, and fair. You already know what that person does. Go be him.

Sources

• Epictetus. Enchiridion. c. 125 AD.
• Aurelius, Marcus. Meditations. c. 161–180 AD.

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